Minority of Convenience

When it comes down to the wire, I can publicly deny my homosexuality. I never told my Grandmother that I was gay, even when I was anxiously coming out to almost everyone else I knew. No one was surprised. Looking back, I think that she would have been elated that there was a chance that I would divorce my husband. I think Grandma would have actually been relieved. But, when I came out to my mom, the only thing she requested of me was to not tell my dad or my grandma. How could I not respect her wishes after she told me that she knew I was gay since she was pregnant with me? First, how could anyone know that and second, how could she live in such suspense for so long? She must have periodically dreaded the day when I would no longer live the Mormon way. She did everything she could to alter my androgyny to the more feminine side. Ballet, frilly shirts, girl shoes, the works. I did relent to the tap dancing only because there was a boy in the class and I didn’t feel so out of place. Thankfully she had a short attention span so I remained in jeans and t-shirts and in little league. She still can’t resist a nip when my hair is too short for her taste. I receive her jabs empathetically. Truly.

My girlfriend and children visited a member of my parents’ church. This woman had been my Sunday school teacher and I’d known her since I was 13. She seemed to always be so proud of me and had high expectations of me. How could I disappoint her with the news that I had become an apostate in her Gods‘ eyes? Or was it that I simply did not want a lecture? She had probably heard through the Mormon grapevine that I was “that way” and graciously did not ask such personal questions. If my mother had any control over the gossip, the news would have been locked away in hopes that her early suspicions would be proven illegitimate. So, I introduced my partner as my friend and resisted remarks incriminating our shared life. All was pleasant and I have received no letters reminding me that Jesus wants me to live a certain way. Not lately anyway.

Truthfully, my manipulation of these scenarios, and many more like them, were motivated by a fear of rejection. Isn’t this why most people choose to hide their homosexual identity? Fear of being demoted or not promoted at work? Fear of being fired? Fear of not obtaining employment? Fear of losing a dear friend? Fear of being rejected by a parent? Fear of being x-communicated from a church for which they have based their entire life? Recognizably, our society has made great progress in reducing validity in these comments. However, these possible outcomes realistically do exist today. And who is at fault? And will they ever get better? Of course, better is relative. Some might think that “better” in this situation means that all homosexuals will quietly go back into hiding. Others might think that “better” means that everyone can live their lives without lying about who they really are.

To those who do not believe that homosexuality is genetic, my views may seem sacrilegious. Those who believe that homosexuality is completely natural, I just might make a little bit of sense here. If all homosexuals were to equate themselves as members of a true minority group, they might remember that blacks cannot hide the color of their skin. Hispanics cannot change their skin tone, accent, or culture. Asians cannot change like a chameleon to block the misconstrued stereotype of their identity. Perhaps the stage of shame rapidly wisps by them as that challenge strengthens them involuntarily. It seems that many homosexuals remain living in shame, blaming society and family for not recognizing and respecting their identity. Meanwhile, they blatantly hide their identity. They are angry because they do not have equal rights, yet they refuse to sport any evidence that they are gay. They wonder why their rights to marry were revoked meanwhile their partners are introduced as room mates or friends.

If the homosexual community wants to be perceived as a legitimate minority group which deserves equal rights, members of this group must come out and quit living in shame and fear. Will there be a price to pay? Will you lose the respect of some dear friends? Will the members of your parents’ church pity you and pray for you relentlessly? Will your children be embarrassed when you show up to school concerts with your partner? Will you constantly be passed-up for promotions at your job? Most likely, you will suffer though all of these things and much more. Guaranteed though, if enough of us quit hiding in shame, our dear friends might be open to hearing our stories and you might just bend their views. Your parents’ friends may not ever quit praying for you, but maybe they’ll talk to you as if you're not chronically ill. Maybe your kids will eventually be excited to introduce your partner as a step-parent to their friends. Once you learn to not be ashamed, your boss just might see beyond your sexuality and see you as a proud and capable individual.

We're never going to get anywhere if we continue choosing to be minorities only when it’s convenient.

Elissa Eggen August 26, 2009